*************** - 1998
Well, it all started with the choice of campsite I suppose. Expo. Opposite the pub, and just down the road from the main entrance and grandstand. It was my first time at le Mans, the atmosphere was great during qualifying, and I was really looking forward to watching the start from Tetre Rouge, one of the best places to watch it from according to Skipper.
We arrived on Wednesday afternoon, pitched the tents, got some food down our necks and proceeded to drink beer. After 8 or 9 of those crappy little French bottles, it was time to drop some off at the urinals, so I wandered off to the nearby toilet block. There was some strange French woman sitting outside with a plastic tin full of change, and a retard grin on her face. Must be a janitor type person I guessed, whilst noting the size of her arse, and figuring a massive dose of gene therapy would be the only way to breed it out of her family. I bet the midwife slapped her mother instead of the baby when she was born. Anyway, in I went. No urinals to be seen. Must have to **** in the bogs then, I guessed as I swung the door open on the first trap.
"Some **** has nicked the bog" was my first thought. Closer inspection however revealed a shower tray type thing with a 5 or 6 inch hole towards the back, and some mouldings towards the front on each side.
Slowly it dawned on me. These were the infamous "long drop" toilets that I had heard old people in pubs talking about when discussing their trips to "the continent" when they were young. Apparently you have to squat like a homesick muslim whilst trying to aim your turd down the hole, simultaneously doing your very best to not to **** on the shorts you didn't have the foresight to remove.
'Well, I'm ****** if I'm ****ing in that' I thought to myself, even though the previous tenant had done a fine job of ****ing all over the entire apparatus, (probably in a effort to wash some of the **** off of it, in my considered opinion) so I moved on to the next door in search of a proper bog. No such luck, and a cursory inspection of all the other cubicles revealed that they were all long drops. Never being one to duck a challenge, I decided to have a **** in the last cubicle, being careful to adopt the Gallic custom of ****ing all over it. No point in going abroad and not absorbing the local culture in my view.
Once relieved, I sauntered out of the toilet block, and even said "Bonjour Monsieur" in my most fluent French to the woman sitting outside, doing my bit for Anglo-French relations. She gave me a funny look, but I think it may have just been her face, as she looked like she had fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. I made a mental note not to **** in that particular toilet block under any circumstances.
Thursday and Friday passed rather quickly, I think we went go-karting on Thursday, Friday night we had quite a few beers, and a really good barbeque, plenty of food. Skipper didn't eat any of the spicy red sausages, so I had his share. There were even quite a few of the red sausages left over when everyone had finished eating, so I polished them off as I get hungry after a few pints. Not a lot of the people who had been to le Mans before ate the red sausages. Odd that, they were really tasty.
Saturday morning I woke up with butterflies in my stomach. Must be the excitement of being race day. We did breakfast, and went for a drive up the Mulsanne straight, which was quite good. We got back to the campsite at around 1pm, and settled down for a couple of pints before the planned 2:30 walk up to Tetre Rouge. The butterflies in my stomach had developed, and I was beginning to wonder if I might need a turd, as I hadn't had one since Tuesday.
2:30 pm arrived, and I came to the conclusion that I actually did need a dump, but was forced to bake it for a while as everybody was getting ready to go to the track, and there was no way I was going to crap in the campsite toilets. No problem I thought, I'll drop the kids off at the pool after watching the start, there was bound to be plenty of toilets at a place as famous as le Mans, and with any luck, they wouldn't be long drops.
We set off at around 3:15. My arse was starting to get a bit twitchy, and was informing me that a long greasy turd would be forthcoming in approximately one hour, come what may. No problem, I thought : race starts at 4pm, we will watch ten laps or so, then we would wander off to a trackside bar, I would have a pint or two, then go to the toilets and unleash the beast, so to speak.
This turned out to be wishful thinking.
We made it to Tetre Rouge, and by five to four, I was developing an urgent knocking at the back door. Mr Brown and his children, wanted out, and he was letting me know in no uncertain terms. As this was my first le Mans, I was determined not to miss the start, and sent a message to the back door, informing it as to who was in charge. The contractions miraculously stopped, and thankfully nobody was aware of my predicament, the blazing sun giving me a perfect excuse for sweating like a **** and not moving a lot.
A helicopter flew overhead, in line with the cars on the parade lap. Absolutely amazing, couldn't wait for the cars to come round on the first hot lap. Unfortunately this surge of enthusiasm seemed to motivate the manitou trapped within my bowels, causing it to surge towards the exit gate at top speed. Mission Control sent an urgent message to the sphincter, which slammed itself shut with only milliseconds to spare. A gust of fetid air managed to escape just before the doors slammed shut. Luckily a Panoz was going past at the time, hiding the noise of the fart, while the smell blended in nicely with rural France. Urban France too for that matter, but that is beside the point. At this point my brain went into survival mode, and I revised my original estimate down from ten laps and a couple of pints down to five laps and no pints. I was in serious and terminal danger of ****ting myself, and thirty degree heat at le Mans while wearing shorts was neither the time nor the place to do it in public for the first time since the age of six.
Thankfully 4 o'clock came, the race started, and all the cars came blasting past us. I managed to get seven or eight really good photos of the wire fence by the time they all went past for the first time. Unfortunately this lack of concentration on the major issue of the day had encouraged the beast within me, and it had now produced its "get out of jail free card" and was heading for the gate with renewed vigour.
"er, just going for a ****, see you at the bar !" I shouted to the rest of our group. Nobody heard, as the leaders were just coming round for lap two.
I strode off purposefully towards the Dunlop bridge, confident of coming across a toilet block within five minutes. Ten yards later the demon turd made its presence felt again, and again I slammed my arsehole shut, hoping that I hadn't beheaded the ****** in the process. Drastic times mean drastic measures, and I was forced to walk like Charlie Chaplin to keep the beast at bay. By this time I was sweating like Michael Jackson at a Primary School swimming gala, and was receiving some strange looks. **** 'em, I was on a mission, and they were probably all French anyway.
Somehow I made it to the Dunlop Bridge without ****ting myself, and spotted what looked like a small toilet block in the not too far distance. I grabbed my shorts, pushed my arse cheeks together with some authority, and headed for the turd oasis.
As I got closer, there appeared to be a rather long queue outside it. A quick mental calculation of a maximum of two toilets inside, a thirty person queue outside it at 5 minutes average per dump would give me 45 minute wait. There was no choice, I had to head for the ****ters behind the main grandstand, from memory they were about 100 yards long, and would have a quick turnaround time. Charlie Chaplin took charge again, and off I went.
I arrived about fifteen minutes later, sweat pouring off me, and not sure if I had done a certain percentage of poo in my pants already. The queue wasn't too bad, and it was moving forward at about one person every two minutes. After a while I got to the entrance, and saw another French woman with a bowl of change, and little mounds of two or three sheets of pink toilet paper on her desk. I figured she was selling posh toilet paper so the women could pat their delicate little beavers dry after a dainty girly pee, and that there would be some industrial waxy type paper in the men's for some serious arse wiping. I smiled condescendingly on my way past. She smiled back, obviously noticing the six inch steps I was taking, the grey face, and the rapist-like sweating going on. *****.
The mental release of being in close proximity to a porcelain palace was having a detrimental affect on my ability to control the leviathan and potentially prize winning poo. I had a tortoise head that was more like an ostrich head, and it felt like it had Arnold Schwarzenegger's neck muscles. There were seven people in front of me, and by my calculations of previous ****/**** ratios and timings, I had 8.4 minutes to go. Time stood still for what seemed like half an hour, but I suddenly found myself at the front of the queue. Ominously, I was starting to develop cramp in my left arse cheek, and my right leg was starting to tremble uncontrollably. A door opened about halfway down, and a skinny French twat staggered out. The gene pool was obviously somewhat silted up when he was conceived.
Released from the starting blocks, I headed towards the cubicle like Ian Dury on speed. A five millisecond scan of the facilities revealed a proper toilet, no toilet seat though, and porcelain covered in the statutory French ****. Instantaneously I formed a plan of action : turn round, bolt the door, shorts down, and hover six inches above the bog.